From Baby to Toddler: The Dance of Two Equal Wills

Gems Early Learning Newsletter November 2025 | Written by Kaylee Hutchison (Teacher, Gems Rātā Nest)

‍

“Will I? Won’t I?” A dance of two equal beings"

‍

The defiance, the stalemate, the shake of the head or tug of war….

Enter Will

All of a sudden, our babies start to resist and challenge change, they shake their heads, tug away, or shout a firm “No!” They’ve discovered something amazing: they have a voice.

For many parents, this can be a confronting shift. The sweet compliance of babyhood gives way to the strong-willed energy of toddlerhood — and our culture doesn’t always celebrate that.

We often hear things like:
“You have to show him who’s boss.”
“She’s just testing you.”
“Don’t let him rule the roost.”

When you stop and think about it, those ideas miss something very important. They don’t honour the developing person standing in front of us —this small but mighty individual who is learning what it means to be themselves.

At this stage, parenting becomes a dance of two equal wills — a partnership. Yes, we’re older, wiser, and more experienced, but our role isn’t to overpower. It’s to lead the dance — with respect, empathy, and clear boundaries that help our toddlers feel both safe and heard.

‍

What’s Happening in the Brain Right Now

Between about 12 and 24 months, a toddler’s brain is buzzing with new connections. The areas responsible for emotion, movement, and communication are developing rapidly, while the part of the brain that helps with control, reasoning, and planning (the prefrontal cortex) is still very immature.

This means toddlers feel big emotions but don’t yet have the tools to manage them. They live very much in the moment, guided by impulse and curiosity. These strong urges are how they explore and learn about the world. This is the developmental stage where autonomy blossoms. Your child is discovering:
“I am separate from you — and I have my own ideas.”

‍

Autonomy and Urges

Up until this point you may have noticed your baby has been open and accepting of your invitation to certain transitions. However unfolding autonomy has flicked the switch to a new song — the toddler anthem. “No. No. No!”. You can see the satisfaction of their newfound power and being able to make their own choices.

This is the beginning of our baby’s power-journey and it’s up to us to coach and model the right use of this power alongside others.

Toddlers are wired to move, explore, and experiment. Their behaviour is often driven by what we call urges — powerful internal drives to do things like climb, jump, fill, pour, tip, throw, hide, and transport objects.

These aren’t “naughty” behaviours; they are essential ways that toddlers build understanding, coordination, and confidence.

For example:

• The throwing urge helps develop hand–eye coordination and teaches about cause and effect.
• The climbing urge supports balance, strength, and spatial awareness.
• The filling and emptying urge helps toddlers understand volume, capacity, and sequence.
• The transporting urge (carrying objects from one place to another) teaches about purpose and persistence.

These urges are the purest form of learning through movement and repetition. When we can see them as learning opportunities — rather than mischief — it changes everything.

And yes, toddlers act on impulse. They often can’t stop themselves even when they know they shouldn’t. That’s not defiance; it’s simply development. They literally don’t yet have the brain wiring to pause and think before acting. This is why patient guidance, predictable routines, and safe environments matter so much — they allow toddlers to explore freely while knowing you’re there to keep them safe.

‍

Guidance for Parents: Beyond Understanding

Knowing what’s happening is one thing but living it — that’s the real challenge! Some days it feels like we’re constantly saying “no,” or trying to guess what our toddler needs.

From a Pikler perspective, the key is partnership. Your toddler’s will isn’t something to battle against — it’s something to guide and support. When we approach our children with calm consistency and genuine respect, we help them learn that their voice matters, and that relationships are built on trust, not control.

‍

Practical Ways to Nurture Autonomy (12–15 months and beyond)

• Offer simple choices: Start small — two shirts, two snacks, two books. It’s not always about the choice itself, but about giving your toddler the experience of being heard, to do it their way, to feel that power (don’t we all?). We call this a yes-yes choice. You’ve created the boundaries around a choice and they have autonomy over the final decision.
• Invite participation: Involve them in care moments. “Would you like to lift your arm first, or shall I help you?” Simple invitations like this show respect for their growing independence.
• Slow down: Give your toddler time to respond. When we rush, we unintentionally take over their part in the dance.
• Hold boundaries with warmth: You can say “no” with kindness. Acknowledge their feelings — “You really wanted to keep playing” — while calmly guiding the next step — “It’s time to leave the playground now.”
• Observe the urge: Instead of reacting to behaviour, step back and wonder, What urge is my child working through? How can I support it safely?
  “I can see you really want to throw — here are some balls/cushions or bean bags you can throw”.
• Let’s not cry over spilt milk (excuse the pun): Toddlers are going to drop plates, spill drinks, and make mess — it’s part of learning how the world works. Rather than focusing on the mess, try to turn it into connection. Instead of, “Oh, look at this mess!” we can gently shift to, “Whoops, looks like the milk spilled, let’s clean it up together.” This small change teaches responsibility, cooperation, and helps your toddler feel capable rather than ashamed.

When we lead with curiosity instead of correction, we start to enjoy this dance a whole lot more.

‍

In Closing

The transition from baby to toddler is one of the most beautiful — and sometimes the most bewildering — stages of parenting. It’s full of energy, emotion, and discovery.

When we see our child’s growing will not as a challenge, but as an invitation to relationship, we rediscover the joy of connection. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about learning to move together.

A dance of two equal wills. A dance of two equal beings.

‍

Acknowledgement

I would like to acknowledge the late Pennie Brownlee for her incredible expertise and deep understanding of Emmi Pikler’s work, which in turn has provided a lot of us here at Gems with such rich knowledge and passion on this subject.

Pennie’s teachings continue to guide not only my work with tamariki and whānau, but also my own parent–toddler relationship with my son. She was, and continues to be, a remarkable voice for respectful care — a true advocate for seeing the child as capable, competent, and worthy of partnership from the very beginning.

A credit to her and her mission to bring heart, respect, and joy back into the everyday moments of caregiving.

‍